My Mistakes

At that time in Moscow we called ourselves the Center Vajrayana. Vajrayana means Straight Path — Straight Path to Mahanirvana, to Mergence with the Creator.

The School was growing in the form of a pyramid consisting of stories of equal height. These stories represented the courses. On the lower stories there were thousands of students. The higher was the story, the fewer students were on it. Everyone had to take of our knowledge and methods not more than he or she could encompass without harming themselves. Only a few students could reach the top of the pyramid. And the top was also moving higher; the pyramid was growing.

Yet God did not give me students who were really mature in the psychogenetical aspect: such mature people had to create their own Schools-pyramids.

… Everyone has their own speed of advancement along the spiritual Path, which is predetermined mainly by one’s achievements in the previous incarnations. Therefore, when suggesting to the students accelerated programs of learning psychoenergetical techniques, one has to take into account together with their degree of aspiration to self-development and their ethical and intellectual levels also their potential formed in the past incarnations. This potential can be evaluated both from looking at the last incarnation of the student and from the amount of the student’s kundalini energy.

I had two best students in Moscow (not taking Galina Vaver into account: she had her own Center). I appointed one of them as the director of the Center, and another one — as a senior instructor.

Though they were undoubtedly the best ones in the intellectual and psychoenergetical criteria, the former of them had traits of irresponsibility, egoism, falsity, and even stealing. Also he could slander, betray anyone, even his own wife — not with some great purpose but just for the sake of convenience in a conversation… When I would point out his reprehensible deeds, his typical reaction “for the public” was the following: “Look at him! How perversely he perceives everything! He draws conclusions only from rumors! Why doesn’t he ask me first?” Yet he only lied and lied…

Many times I pointed out his vices to him; he repented, promised to reform himself, said that he had reformed already… Thus he created an impression of sincerity and for a long time deluded me. His words of repentance also were a lie; he decided that it was easier to live lying…

Our work relationships went in the following manner. For example, we discussed a plan of further events in our Center. After discussing it, everyone agreed. Then I said:

“Now I’m going to leave for two weeks. And in that time you should do this and that. Agree?”

“Yes.”

Two weeks later:

“Have you done it?”

“No.”

“Why?!”

“I forgot.”

“… Here, I give you a notepad! Write on it all your tasks! Write right now: to do this and that! I will come back in four days. If you do not do it, our plans will fail!”

Four days later:

“Have you done it?”

“No.”

“…?”

“I forgot.”

“But you had a note in your notepad!”

“I forgot to look into the notepad…”

… Here is another example. He and the senior instructor came to me to Saint Petersburg to work on places of power. In the morning, I had many things to do: to cook breakfast, to feed them, to prepare food for our forest trip, to take care that there would be meal for us when we come back from the forest, to wash the plates after the breakfast, to sweep the floor, to check that they had all the necessary clothes for the trip, and many other things… In other words, I had many concerns including not missing our train.

And during all this time, they were sitting on the sofa and chattering. To be precise, he was chattering — prolixly, obtrusively — and she was enduring this. This continued for an hour, while I was preparing everything for our trip. From time to time I reminded them how much time we had before going out…

In the end I said:

“It’s time! Let’s go! Have you gone to the toilet?”

“No! We will go now!…”

As a result, we were in a hurry and nearly missed our train…

Later I heard their “deep” conclusion:

“He lives in such a fuss!…”

… When a group of other “best students” would come to me from Moscow, they would finish my several-months reserve of food in one week. And when going back to Moscow, they would leave for me a small bag of sweets as “gratitude” for my help.

… At that time, I did not pay attention to this; I just gave to them my knowledge and everything I had because I loved them… I did not understand that they did not deserve such love… Seeing near me no one better than they, I believed that with my love I could change them…

… I was not a person who counted the cost of food eaten by guests. On the contrary: I was always glad at the good appetite of my friends, because the energy of food is necessary for the growth of the students’ consciousnesses. And this was the main thing for me: service to the cause of the Evolution through increasing the common subtle energy of the consciousnesses of all people, especially of those entrusted to me by God.

But… analyzing it now, I see the following: God through the Bhagavad Gita [20] suggested the following law: the one who receives gifts and gives no gifts in return is verily a thief…

* * *

Once I had to go up a long stairway to a railway station with a heavy backpack full of books on my back and with a handcart with books in my hands… I felt that I was about to lose consciousness out of overstrain… And she was walking nearby not carrying anything and, seeing that I was at the limit of my strength,… just “encouraged” me by saying:

“Come on! Come on! There is just a little longer to go!…”

* * *

I tried to transform her from an indoor creature with chronic rhinitis and three-weeks-long menstruations — into a spiritual warrior; in the spiritual aspect, before coming to me she was well satisfied by the only fact that she was acquainted with an Orthodox pastor…

She got healed but did not become a spiritual warrior.

With her higher philosophical education, she was capable of teaching successfully the methodological part of our program for some time. But she never gained the ability to fight for the good of others, to oppose the evil. Her ability to take care of others was almost zero. She always fled from the battlefield having encountered a brute force. On the other hand, she tried to assert herself through petty whims in her relationships with me.

… Once I was leading a group of students by a forest trail to a place of power. She complained:

“Why do we walk this trail rather than that one?!”

“Because that trail is covered now with puddles. It was raining all night. I have known this place for many years.”

“No, there are no puddles!”

“Well, let’s go and see…”

We moved to the second trail and continued our walk through large muddy puddles…

But this was a trifle. Much more important was the fact that she ceased to take my opinion into account with regard to teaching the students. We were about to split…

* * *

Boris Grebenschikov sang in one of his songs: “… When I decided that there are no humans among pigs and fish…”

… Once in summer we were walking a forest trail along a river.

We already had a break in our relationships because she deviated from the methodology of teaching accepted in our School. She wanted to have many students, wanted to experiment with people. I, judging from my experience, understood the danger of her intentions and insisted that she kept to the accepted methodology tested over the years.

My objections irritated her, inflated her desire to contradict.

She wanted to walk barefooted and took off her shoes.

I warned her that she could wound her feet on a small piece of glass or wire in the earth. She replied:

“No! Everything will be fine!”

And immediately she stepped in a large pile of feces. She tried to clean her feet with a dry twig, but it broke and she dirtied her hands also…

I took her to a river to wash the hands and feet.

The shallow part of the river was full of fry.

I told her:

“Don’t make dirty the fish too!…”

She washed herself but did not heed me.

And later — by her betrayal of the work of God — she caused much harm to people (who entrusted themselves not to her, but to me as the leader of the Center).

* * *

Her typical features were a lack of organizational skills and of a caring attitude towards others. For example, she paid no attention to a fused bulb and the broken latch in the only lavatory in the place where they held classes.

A woman naturally learns caring — one of the main aspects of love — through upbringing of children. But she did not have children both in this life and in the past one.

* * *

In the past life, she was a Buddhist monk in a Tibetan monastery.

He was a rowdyish pseudo-sufi mage called “Man-bullet”.

My attempts to help them become better — with the help of soft suggestions, by giving examples of other people — at first were received positively but then caused only irritation in them: why do you edify us? — we can meditate as good as you!…

* * *

The Moscow center of our School was collapsing…

In the body of the director I noticed once a “settler” — a spirit-monkey. And he developed a new feature of behavior — aping and grimacing. It seemed funny to him… but looked strange to others.

Also a spirit disguising himself as Babaji began to look after them. They could hear him but could not see him. He was sent to them as a joker-tempter. And she — instead of working on self-development — got captivated by listening to his tales about her allegedly being embodied together with Babaji in many past lives…

At first, it seemed to me for a long time that I could help them significantly to approach Perfection in the intellectual and ethical aspects of development. I entrusted important work to them: I gave to them the methods of teaching, assigned them to leading positions, helped them to write scientific articles, etc. Once I even added their names as co-authors to one of my books — in order to increase their prestige in the eyes of other people…

But she turned out to be a soul too young to be able to love, taking care and fighting for those whom you love. And he was so deeply immersed in his vices of laziness, falsity, meanness, readiness to betray that he learned to disguise them very well.

At that time I could not discriminate it. Moreover I did not want to see it, when God directly pointed out for me their inadequacy to the roles of instructors of the School.

God had the intent of preparing Avatars with my help, rather than creating one more “large and friendly family” of frolicking children playing religion.

For this purpose He needed to teach me much more but in a different environment — away from the crowd. And I did not want to see this — and opposed His will.

Then He commanded to close the Center Vajrayana. He told me the following:

“The center Vajrayana has come to its end. I will close it — with the help of brute force if you do not do it yourself! Classes in their previous form are not needed anymore! They will be continued on a different basis. You may consider that there is no Center anymore: I have closed it. Consider it closed from this very moment! You will see later many of your mistakes — on the subject of attachments to the earthly. From this moment on, there is only I — the Center of all souls aspiring to Me! You do not need any formal organization on the Earth anymore!”

And after some time I came to know what was taking place in the Center lately which was kept a secret from me: “sexual seminars” for everyone desiring to participate — with collective undressing and painting of naked women’s bodies in different colors — the breast painted by black color and everything below it in red color…

By this time, Canadian filmmakers came. They were making the film Spiritual Life in Russia and shot this disgusting episode…

The singing activity in the Center was reduced to praising fictitious “gods” from the Indian pantheon, instead of praising God as it was intended in the beginning…

All this was done with talks about Babaji and about opening a “Center of Babaji”…

Thus it became not the Straight Path to God, not Vajrayana.

I told them that it was time for us to split and that in the future they must not use either my name or the name of our School.

But they concealed the fact of this talk from the students and tried to keep the Center and their leadership in it without me, though assuming the right of inheritance.

I knew that I fulfilled my mission for other Moscow students by giving everyone what they could encompass at the current stage of their development. I just had to draw the conclusion.

I decided that it was my duty to collect the Moscow students and to tell them about my attitude towards these events.

I said in particular:

“The center Vajrayana is closed. I am not responsible for any future actions of the instructors who want to go their own path. From now on they can arrange classes even on ‘meditative masturbation’ or ‘group bestiality’ — but with their own responsibility before God and people, without using the name of Babaji or my name as a cover for their activity…”

* * *

This story demonstrates well that success in psychoenergetical training does not ensure the removal of one’s gross ethical vices.

Then (too late unfortunately) I saw the vanity of my efforts to reform these ethical vices of the students with the help of serious esoteric work: in reality, one’s ethical purity must be a prerequisite for such work, a “permit” to it.

God told me the following concerning this mistake of mine:

“You tried to bring all kinds of garbage into Me!”

… On the other hand, it was He who personally blessed me to begin every new stage of working with them…

The reason for this seeming disagreement consists in the following.

First, with the help of these lessons He taught me to understand other people better. Moreover, now I can share this experience with others.

Second, I would not have been capable of walking successfully the spiritual Path if I had sought it only for myself. I paved a way for my students. And one of the main stimuli to my efforts was love for them.


Chapter from the bookHow God Can Be Cognized. Autobiography of a Scientist Who Studied GodVladimir Antonov

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